As dogs, it is our sworn duty to defend the homeland from intruders. Of all intruders, none are more suspicious, persistent, or strangely cheerful than the Mail Carrier. They arrive the same time every day wearing a uniform, carrying mysterious envelopes, and then they LEAVE. This is textbook predator behavior in our opinion.
Phase 1 — Pre-Attack Alert
Approximately 12–90 seconds before the mail truck arrives, activate Radar Ears Mode. You will hear the truck three streets away, long before the clueless Tall Ones do. Begin pacing, whining, or staring out the window with war-movie intensity.
Phase 2 — Siren Activation
Once mail carrier enters visual or auditory range, deploy Bark Barrage. Volume and persistence are key to deterrence. Tail position should be stiff, stance forward, nose smushed against glass for optimal acoustic delivery.
Phase 3 — Enemy Repulsion
As expected, the Mail Carrier will place suspicious rectangular objects in the box and then retreat swiftly. This confirms the effectiveness of the barking protocol. Repeat daily to maintain territorial dominance.
Phase 4 — Debrief
Return to Tall One with proud expression. They often say things like “Oh my god, calm down,” but we both know you saved the property again. Without you, the house would be overrun with envelopes by now.
🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This
- Heelers:See mail carriers as cattle needing to be moved along
• Boxers: Bounce-and-bark combo demands respect
• Terriers: Refuse to let mail go unchallenged
• Hounds: Announce mail arrival to the county
• Shibas: Judge mail carriers silently, but intensely
🧠 Science Says:
Territorial alert barking is instinctual. Humans think it’s “overreacting.” We think it’s national defense.
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