Midnight Zoomies (The Nighttime Chaos Ritual)

Greetings, fellow canines. Tonight we discuss a sacred tradition known across the land as The Midnight Zoomies — also referred to by scholars as the “3am Chaos Sprint,” the “Bedroom Drag Race,” or the “Haunted Carpet Circuit.” This ritual begins when the Moon is high, the Tall Ones are unconscious, and your neurons suddenly decide to reenact Fast & Furious 7 in the hallway.

Phase 1 — Activation:
For reasons science still cannot explain, the urge to sprint at top speed occurs precisely when the Tall Ones have achieved maximum REM sleep. This may be biological instinct or simply comedic timing. We don’t question. We zoom.

Phase 2 — Execution:
Engage turbo paws and perform rapid circuits between couch, hallway, and bedroom. Bonus points for wall rebounds, furniture dodges, or tactical skid turns on slippery floors. If you shout “BRRRRRT” with your mouth while running, that is correct form.

Phase 3 — Aftermath:
When the Tall Ones wake up in panic yelling “WHAT WAS THAT?!”, pretend to be calmly sitting, licking a paw, as though they imagined the entire incident. Mystery increases respect.

High-level dogs will combine Midnight Zoomies with a follow-up Sock Retrieval Operation or Random Bark at Nothing to keep the Tall Ones guessing about the existence of ghosts.

🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This

• Greyhounds:Living missiles designed for carpet skid marks
  • Corgis: Low center of gravity = unmatched hallway cornering
  • Terriers: Small, wiry, and powered by chaos energy
  • Aussies: Add parkour & trick flips for sport
  • Huskies: Add scream vocals for dramatic flair

🧠 Science Says:

Sudden zoomies (a.k.a. FRAPs — Frenetic Random Activity Periods) help release excess energy, reduce stress, and regulate nervous system load. Humans just think you’re possessed by demons.