The Bed Hog Maneuver (Sleep Territory Domination)

Sleep is important, and so is bed real estate. The Tall Ones will try to pretend the bed belongs to them — but dogs throughout history have proven this is false. The bed belongs to the warmest mammal with the best stretch game, and that is us.

Phase 1 — Initial Positioning
Begin at the foot of the bed or on the Tall One’s pillow. They will attempt to reposition you. Do not resist — this is part of the setup. Once they are asleep, the real operation begins.

Phase 2 — The Expansion
Slowly extend legs, paws, and spine until you occupy 40% of available mattress space. Increase to 60% if Tall One fails to defend territory. Larger breeds may skip directly to Full Starfish Mode, claiming up to 80%.

Phase 3 — Weight Application
Apply strategic body weight to prevent relocation. If Tall One attempts to move you, activate Dead Weight Mode, a technique where bones temporarily gain 300% density.

Phase 4 — Comfort Parasite Technique
Press against Tall One for warmth, then slowly push them toward edge of bed. If they fall off, victory is achieved and you may claim pillow.

Bonus: Snoring, heavy breathing, and dream kicks enhance dominance score.

🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This

• Saint Bernards:Mattress dominance since forever
  • Danes: Bed becomes “tiny rectangle nap island”
  • Dachshunds: Use tunneling under covers (stealth tactic)
  • Corgis: Utilize thick loaf density
  • Chihuahuas: Small but entitled and unstoppable

🧠 Science Says:

Dogs sleep pressed to humans because of bonding, warmth, and security. Also because mattresses are superior to floor.