Let’s talk about a highly controversial subject within canine society: gas emissions and the noble art of blame redirection. Tall Ones seem to believe dogs are responsible for 99% of household farts. This is scientifically and morally incorrect. However, given their denial of their own emissions, we must employ strategy.
Phase 1 — Deployment
Sometimes the digestive system initiates a silent release. This may occur after high-reward training sessions, treat binges, cheese events, or stolen burrito incidents. If sound is produced, abandon mission and leave room immediately.
Phase 2 — Blame Buffering
If Tall One detects smell, they will begin scanning for culprits. Important: remain still. Movement = guilt. Instead, yawn or stretch politely to appear relaxed and innocent.
Phase 3 — Blame Redirect
If a cat is present, blame automatically shifts to cat species. If no cat, Tall One may assume outdoor air contamination or furniture fabric mystery. If another human is present, silent eye contact transfer may result in inter-human conflict. Stay neutral. You are Switzerland.
Phase 4 — Emotional Aftercare
Tall Ones may proclaim “OH MY GOD, DOG!!!” in outrage. Respond with wagging tail or soulful eyes to weaken accusations. Eventually they cave because they cannot stay mad at a creature with toe beans.
🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This
- French Bulldogs:Gas output unmatched since Roman times
• Pugs: Known chemical warfare specialists
• Labs: Blame the couch and walk away
• Beagles: Confuse humans with innocence
• Greyhounds: Pretend nothing happened (Oscar-level acting)
🧠 Science Says:
Dogs experience gas due to rapid eating, diet composition, and occasional culinary crimes (e.g., trash raids, cat food theft). Blaming dogs keeps households emotionally stable.
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