The Forbidden Couch (Territory Negotiation & Sneak Occupation Techniques)

Welcome, comrades. Today we study a topic every dog has grappled with: The Forbidden Couch. The Tall Ones guard it like a throne made of gold and chicken treats. They claim it is “not for dogs,” yet they themselves shed crumbs and sleep on it constantly. Hypocrisy level: extreme.

Phase 1 — Recon:
Observe the couch. Study its access points, cushion softness, and Tall One sitting schedule. The key is timing. Avoid approach during Laptop Mode, Movie Time, or Snack Events, which trigger increased couch surveillance.

Phase 2 — Negotiation Attempt:
Begin by placing just paws on the couch. This is known as the Partial Paw Treaty. If no objections are made, escalate to Half-Body Recline, then finally the glorious Full Couch Sprawl. If objections arise, deploy Puppy Eye Diplomacy to renegotiate terms.

Phase 3 — Stealth Occupation:
When all else fails, wait until the Tall Ones leave the house. Then claim the couch entirely. Roll, nest, redistribute cushions, and leave one hair on each pillow to assert sovereignty. This ensures they know you were here, and that you could return at any moment.

Remember: permission is a human concept. Comfort is a canine right.

🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This

• Great Danes:Entire couch becomes “big dog nap island”
  • Bulldogs: Snore loudly to assert dominance
  • Beagles: Dig blankets into perfect donut nests
  • Greyhounds: Couch ownership = mandatory by breed code
  • Shih Tzus: Act like the couch was always theirs legally

🧠 Science Says:

Dogs prefer elevated, soft resting surfaces because they retain heat and provide security. Couch banning is cultural, not biological.