The Vacuum Monster (Loud Suck Machine Defence Protocol)

Attention young pups and seasoned gremlins: today we cover enemy threat identification regarding the Vacuum Machine, also known in canine military circles as the Loud Suck Monster, Roaring Floor Beast, or The Terrifying Crumb Devourer. Its primary function appears to be consuming all the delicious floor snacks you were saving for later. Rude.

Threat Analysis:
The Vacuum emits roaring noises exceeding acceptable bark thresholds. It lunges unpredictably. It gets dangerously close to food zones. Despite having no eyes, it somehow tracks crumbs with unholy precision. We do not know what powers it. Possibly demons. Possibly the Tall Ones.

Defense Protocol:
Upon activation, you must bark aggressively. This does not defeat the machine but alerts the household of imminent danger. Retreat behind couch cushions if the Vacuum approaches your den. Never allow it to take your tail. If your Tall One drags the Loud Suck Monster directly toward you, scream internally and ascend to higher ground (bed, couch, windowsill, random cardboard box).

When the monster finally powers down, circle the remains and sniff like a forensic investigator. Ensure no crumbs survived. War is war.

🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This

• Chihuahuas:Bark so loud the Vacuum reconsiders life choices
  • Huskies: Add vocal trance music to the battle for intimidation
  • Shelties: Herd the Vacuum into a corner (impressive)
  • German Shepherds: Take reconnaissance very seriously
  • Cats: Technically not dogs, but they sit on the vacuum and judge us all

🧠 Science Says:

Dogs are startled by sudden noise + unpredictable movement = classic fear trigger. Humans call this “overreacting.” We call it situational awareness.