What Dogs Think (EP 56)

The Bed Space Hostile Takeover (Dogs Occupy 300% More Space Than Their Body Size)

Tall Ones believe beds are for sleeping. Dogs know beds are for territorial expansion, warmth acquisition, and human immobilization, all part of the Bed Space Hostile Takeover Initiative.

Phase 1 — Early Access
Dog enters bedroom before Tall One, claiming bed territory through strategic positioning:
✔ center of mattress
✔ across pillow zone
✔ diagonal formation
✔ starfish sprawl
✔ curled kitten pose (deceptive but effective)

Tall One says, “Move over,” but dog pretends to be made of stone.

Phase 2 — Lights-Out Expansion
Once Tall One commits to lying down, dog activates Slow Expansion Protocol:
• pushes with paws
• leans into ribs
• stretches legs dramatically
• rotates body 90–180°
Over 30 minutes, dog increases occupied bed area by up to 400%.

Phase 3 — Heat Capture & Pillow Theft
Dog positions self to:
✔ absorb warmth from Tall One’s core heater
✔ steal pillow for cranial elevation
✔ trap blankets beneath 12 kg of fluffy resistance
Tall One shivers quietly because retrieving blankets would disturb sleeping angel.

Phase 4 — Nighttime Leg Traps
Dog deploys tactical pressure to immobilize Tall One’s limbs, preventing:
• blanket adjustments
• rolling over
• bathroom breaks
• circulation
Also helps guard against imaginary midnight threats like hallway shadows and fridge noises.

Phase 5 — Morning Inversion
At sunrise, dog becomes hyper while Tall One becomes dead. Dog jumps happily across bed yelling “Wakey wakey!” Tall One contemplates coffee and survival.

🐾 Breeds Who Excel at This

• Great Danes:Hoover all bed space instantly
  • Labs & Goldens: Sprawl generously but warmly
  • Pit Bulls: Pillow hogging specialists
  • Dachshunds: Blanket tunneling experts
  • Malamutes: Radiate nuclear heat levels

🧠 Science Says:

Sleeping together supports bonding, thermoregulation, and safety behaviors. Pack animals sleep touching. Tall Ones evolved away from this for unknown reasons.